How to Spot an Abuser #5: Physical Violence

Physical Violence is a sure sign you are in an abusive relationship. But the thing is, it almost never starts with a busted lip. Abusers typically begin subtly with an intimidating stance, a hand raised, a grab at your arm, or a quick slap to get your attention.

In my memoir, Urge Overkill: A Story of Breaking Free, the first altercation with my boyfriend came late night in the midst of night out. We were heading out of a bar where we’d been watching a band. I had enjoyed a night of dancing along with the crowd while he stood to the side watching on the sidelines. Walking out, he was angry and said it was because I had been dancing in a crowd. Then came, “You were dancing like a whore.”

I was like, “Excuse me? No one talks to me like that.” His raging torrent of accusations blasted me. Dumbstruck, I fell silent as they walked through an deserted parking lot out to the car. Most people were still inside watching the show but he had wanted to leave early for this.

I was looking down scanning for rocks to avoid in her heels. When suddenly, his voiced went lower and louder as put both hands on my back and violently shoved me forward.

Stumbling but catching myself, I recovered whirling around to face him. It made no sense. Involuntarily I looked around to see if anyone else had witnessed the act and could validate my shock. The lot was deserted. My skin was starting to crawl.

All I could muster was, “What the hell was that?” When his face then twisted into an ugly mask of disdain, I shrank back intuitively. His stance was intimidating. I noticed he had pulled back his shoulders. His eyes were squinted and his voice more menacing, “It’s your fault for hanging on other guys.” “My fault? I most certainly was not and you are not making sense,” I leveled.

In the car I wracked my brain incredulously over his transformation from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. It was something I’d never seen before. I spent the car ride home in silence while he lambasted me with accusations of dancing with other men.

Later he gaslighted me, saying it was no big deal. Ah, Dr. Jekyll was back. I retorted that it most certainly WAS a big deal. Hours later after he repented, I still was reeling.

Research shows that this type of aggression almost always graduates to harsher physical slaps, chokes, grabs or even punches if previous abuse is allowed to slide. And that was certainly the case with me and my ex. The next time was a slap. It only got worse from there.

Did you know abusers know that it takes time to break their spouse or partner down so they think they deserve the abuse? Please know you are not alone.

For crisis and counseling services, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 or TTY 1–800–787–3224.

Hotline advocates are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year to provide confidential crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands

May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace.

For more info on the red flags of unhealthy relationships and the green flags of healthy ones visit me here: https://theyogascribe.wixsite.com/mysite

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